Room for Improvement?

I am writing this on Sunday night, but am going to let it post on Monday. So when I talk about “tonight” it will actually be LAST NIGHT. Just in case the grammar Nazi is reading this….

So tonight, I did the most peculiar thing. I cleaned my room. Not 2 hours at a time, like I (ahem) promised to do last time (what was that, like a month ago?). Nope. I got in there and dug through the relics. Got my hands dirty. Sucked it up, put on my big girl panties with the control top and just did it.

To be honest, I am a little less than halfway done. But I can actually walk to the bathroom now without tripping. Accomplishment in itself right there. I am a total slob.

Here’s my point. I found lots of cool and interesting things I had forgotten all about. I found a grand total of 8 purses I totally forgot I had, 4 ½ pairs of shoes that are really cool, and an entire trash bag of socks. Some of them even match! (No judging here about my mess. I have issues, people. Deep set issues. And they revolve around me being safe in my fat body and messy house. Therapy sessions are not necessary. That’s what this blog is for!)

I found some clothes I have stashed away for when I am finally back into sizes 10 and 8. (yes the 10s are not fitting quite like they did last fall. I know, I know…) And it got me excited. It made me realize that great things are waiting for me to find them and wear them. Outfits that I haven’t seen in a long while. Necklaces I kept thinking would look great with “that dress when I finally fit into it.” Thrift store finds that never found a home in my dresser because I couldn’t open the drawers. Stuff that I have forgotten I love.

I am not telling you this to brag about what a superstar I am for cleaning my house. I am far from it. It wouldn’t take me hours if I would buckle down and do the daily stuff before it mounds like Target (Tar-jay) just threw up all over my room. If I would be disciplined enough to do a little each day, it would not look like this...

(And yes, I am going for the brutal honesty here, despite its horrific-ness. This is as humiliating as the bikini pictures from a few weeks ago. Don’t hate me.)

Yikes. Margaret the Saint (that would be my mother for you newbies) is cringing right now. Probably dialing the phone to lecture me as you read this. Poor woman. Lord knows she tried her best with me. Good thing I have talent as the artistic type or she would disown me for my pathetic lack of housecleaning abilities. For the record, we keep the bed cleared off for sleeping. It was just crammed full of stuff today so I could decide what to get rid of. I promise I don't make Matt sleep on boxes.

Good news is, the rest of my house doesn’t look like this. It’s better. It’s liveable. But MY ROOM, MY SPACE- it looks like this. This is the neurotic mess of my life. And I am showing you this for one specific reason. And wouldn’t you know, it has to do with a certain epiphany about weight loss.

It has to do with certain questions I regularly ask myself. About the room. And about my diet/puffy body.

1. How did you let it get to this point?
Well, it’s simple. I let it get to this point because a) I am lazy, b) I don’t like hard work, and c) this part of being a grown up isn’t any fun.

2. Why haven’t you done anything about it till now?
Hmmm, I have tried- but with cleaning AND dieting I have found problems with making little changes today that never seem to make a difference the next day. The weight and mess are still there, and I get discouraged. I want to see instant results. And with house cleaning and weight loss that is not going to happen. I will not get “biggest loser“- ed or “clean sweep”-ed. (and thank you Lord for that. I would lose my ever lovin mind…) Instead, I have to find my own path on this journey to a great house and fantastic body. Because God knows if I do it myself (with His help of course) I will appreciate it much more. So I have to jump into the mess and get started.

3. Is this something that is really important to you?
Yes, but not for reasons you might think. I want to lose the weight so I can be more “promotional.” Fat chicks can write, but they don’t get listened to very well. And they get shoved aside for the more marketable girl. (Don’t fight me on this one people, cause I know first hand it’s true.) And I want my home to look fantastic because a) a clean house is an aphrodisiac for Matt and b) I want to invite friends to my home and not make them uncomfortable. Plus if it’s all done, I think I could finally do aerobics in my room again. And feel the desire to get to goal of the big 1-0-0 and write my greatest book ever- Dancing From Fat to Freedom. Yep, it’s in the works. Just have to get to goal and finish the DANG THING!

So what would change if I looked at dieting like I looked at cleaning my room today? I remember the day when I looked at that scale and thought it was hopeless. I felt that way about my room this morning. The mess was too big for me to conquer. I am a smart person (and alec) and I know that was the truth. But somehow, a year ago- I was on FIRE to lose weight. I wanted it so bad that I didn’t question what the diet plan was. I just did it. I didn’t deviate from the plan.

Folks, I have deviated much over the past 6 months. It’s lucky that I have not gained more than my 8 pound spread. But there has been no magical loss. Nothing to scream happily into phones or shout on Facebook. Nothing but “the scale is not my friend today.” What an encouraging message I have given you. And for that, I want to offer my sincerest apologies. I kinda suck.

I think the thing for me to do is to get back into the diet and rediscover the things that I have forgotten I loved. The freedom to know I was doing right by my body. The thrill of knowing that IF I KEEP ON THIS COURSE, I WILL SEE RESULTS.

So messy room, you have inspired me. I will keep showing you guys pictures of my room and how it’s going to get better over the next few weeks. (realistically, it’s going to take that long.) I'm even planning to paint while Matt is out of town in 2 weeks! (sssh, don't tell him. That's his birthday surprise. He will come home to a new bedroom!)

But if I hyperfocus my activities on those 2 things- my room and my diet- amazing things just might happen. I might be able to get back to my glorious 169 (which I hit for exactly 1 day) AND have a clean restful room! Which would be fantastic! Plus there is a whole new wardrobe I am finding under the clutter and trash that is inspiring me like you wouldn’t believe. I feel a spring cleaning coming on that is going to be about more than my house.

Are the warm winds of change hitting you yet?