I am not the best person to have in a hot seat. I am all about conflict diffusion. I want everyone to get along. I want everyone to see the best in everyone else. I want there to be free coca-colas in glass bottles and rainbows and butterflies.
What do I usually get instead?
A hot mess while in the hot seat.
I got called a witch yesterday by someone who doesn’t even know me at all. I got some pretty harsh words flung my way by a few others. And I also got something else I didn’t bargain for!
I got hope and peace.
Yep, it came out of no where. As I was taking a bath after bawling about the entire day’s events into Matt’s chest hair (as is the custom in this house) I got that wonderful warm feeling that can only come from the throne of God.
I was reminded about the parable of the rich man (and I promise this has everything to do with dieting) who asked Jesus what he must do to enter the kingdom of heaven. (Mark 10:17-24) Jesus tells the man to obey the 10 commandments. The man replies that he does that already. So Jesus tells him to sell everything he has and give it to the poor. And the man walks away. His life is still full of stuff, but it’s safe to say that he leaves Jesus empty handed.
The man’s intentions were good- he wanted to become a disciple and go to heaven. But he wasn’t willing to make the necessary sacrifices to get to the final stretch. And with that realization, God pricked my heart as He often does.
“You know I want this for you. I know you want this for you. So when are you going to take that final plunge? When are you going to give the final piece of your heart and let me shine through you?”
To be honest, I didn’t really have an answer for Him. Because I was too busy crying all over again.
Sunday was a hard day anyway you look at it. We had some family issues to be taken care of that have been a long time coming, but today was a day of finality and decisions. Reality was already kicking me in the teeth. I was reminded that our house is crappy, our furniture is crappy, and that my grandmother is in poor health. The grandmother that is my genetic twin, who I am very much like- I can sense that we are coming close to the end for her. And I don’t want to lose her.
I am PMSey, which didn’t help matters at all, people were calling me names and accusing me of things that were stealing my joy- and then God is bugging me about surrender with the weight.
I wanted to shout “WORLD GO AWAY” from the safety of my bath tub.
Instead, I could only look down at my flabby belly floating in the water and be humble.
Because when we look at the truth- it doesn’t matter how many women I have inspired to help lose weight. It matters that there is discord with ones who need a friend.
And I wasn’t willing to be a friend. I wanted to be mad. I wanted to be hurt. I wanted to fill up a bathtub of tears.
Because sometimes a girl just need to have a moment. A moment to break down and feel the frustration of what the world is throwing at her. The sticks and stones of hurtful words. And the tiny rocks that land in your shoes. Those little ones hurt the worst.
My goal has never been to alienate on this blog. I have tried very hard to encourage people of any weight, any size, any religion, any persuasion, any lifestyle. I have never wanted people to feel like they were rejected. I wanted this blog to be a safe haven for all.
Unfortunately, with our Flab to FAB challenge, we picked people to join us on our 8 week journey. And when people didn’t get picked, they picked on us.
Where is this blog going? I think here….
If I am truly willing to devote myself to this weight loss journey, then no amount of naysayers can stop me. I have to hand over the things I am clinging to- like approval of people, trying to please man, and those doggone oreos- and focus on one thing.
I am not losing weight so I can just be skinny. I am losing weight so that I can allow Him to shine through my victory. I want to show others that character is found in all things- on your plate, in the way you speak about others, in the forgiveness you extend and ask for in return. That who you serve makes all the difference.
So I spent the last hour writing encouraging comments on the blogs of people who were (and some who were not) being nice to me. Some were short, some were long. But every last one was sincere. Because character can shine no matter what. Even if you had to cry your eyes out to find it. The tears just make it shine a little brighter.
And what ended up happening was I felt peace. I felt restoration! I was reminded of how far God has brought me on this weight loss journey, and how by HIS UNREASONABLE GRACE ALONE- I am still fighting this battle. And it’s almost won.
So today- let’s do something new. Let’s each say 3 nice things to people you may or may not know. Encourage them. Speak life into their bones. Show kindness, even if it isn’t reciprocated. Let’s show the world what kind of characters we crazy gals really are!!!!
Project “Pass out HOPE” has officially begun!
How will you pass out hope today?