DIET is a Dirty Word

I noticed a bizarre happening in our house last evening. Matt was sweeping in the kitchen, and using the broom he collected a small pile of dirt in the middle of the floor. (From one day. Honest…) I was standing in the kitchen, getting ready to head back out to the hospital to visit my Grandma, as I wittnessed the most amazing thing.

Matt was looking for the dust pan, and focusing on the missing dustpan, he stepped right into the pile of dirt.

Next, Natalie (9 years old) came into the kitchen and walked right through the pile also. She was busy talking, and didn’t stop to look what she was stepping into.

Then Tim (our 7 year old) came in on his rollerblades (with his pants around his ankles- I kid you not) and skated right through the pile. By the time Matt found the dustpan, the pile had to be re-swept. (and Tim was singing that horrific “Pants on the ground” song. I could wring the neck of whoever decided to make that song a part of pop culture. HATE IT.)

And of course, I got a huge blinking sign out of what had just occurred.

(Because I am a writer and I overanalyze everything that happens.)

When it comes to dieting, I keep stepping into my own dirty pile!!!

(I won’t insult you by adding a “Huh?” or a “How do you figure that?” because you all know gosh darn good and well I’m going to tell you anyway.)

See, I started this crazy idea of losing 100 pounds with the best of intentions. My end goal is to finally lose the weight and keep it off. FOR GOOD.

But as I am amassing the poundage into a pile on the floor, I keep stepping right back into the mess. And I bet some of you are too. Only you don’t call it a pile. (Or a “farty dirt patch” like I do, a la “The Office.” Hillary, aren’t you proud?)

You probably call it Yo-Yo dieting.

And I did too. That is, before I saw the farty dirt patch tonight. But now, I know exactly what I do. The truth has piled right in front of me!

I need to figure out how to NOT step in my own pile. And you probably do too. Even if you don’t need to lose weight. (No, REALLY! There are people out there like that! I didn’t believe it either at first! But it’s the gospel truth. I’ve even met one. Frightening….) What I mean is that when we have a goal, we have to take steps to get to our end goal. More than just eating right and exercising. There is a mental change that has to take place. And thanks to the broom incident, I think I can describe what we need to do pretty clearly!

Step #1. Look where you are going.

A tough step for someone who is a “big picture” type like me. I look at where I am going be 5 steps from now, not where I am stepping currently. Maybe you do the same thing. Maybe you look ahead instead of where you are right now. I dream about the bikini that actually looks good, and the size 6 jeans and the black dress that my husband will take me to the opera in. I don’t like to think about the fact that the ice cream I want to eat today will curb the dreams of tomorrow. I want to exercise tomorrow, not today when I can raise my metabolism and kick a few more calories off. We have got to be realistic about how what we do today will effect where we eventually end up. We have to look at where we are.

Step #2. Keep holding the broom.

It’s an unspoken rule that when someone in the house has a broom in their hand, you know they are sweeping. When Matt was searching for the dustpan, he put the broom down. Therefore he was making it that much harder for people to know what he had been doing. (Including himself, which is why he stepped in the dirt pile too.) We have got to hold the brooms of our diets constantly. (No jokes allowed about how dieting does entitle us to a broom- a flying one…) We have to carry that thing around like it is an Olympic torch. We have to keep reminding ourselves, those around us, and everyone we meet --- that we are women on a mission. There is no putting our broom down to do something else. That’s when the pounds come back. Nope, we eat with our broom, exercise with our broom, shop with our broom. We never put it down. EVER. (and the crazy look in the woman's eyes on the above picture? That's about the way we should look, too...)



(I can’t resist. 2 brooms were in a closet, and the girl broom says to the boy broom “I think I might be pregnant.” Boy broom says “That’s impossible! We haven’t even swept together!” I told that joke when I was 10 at Church Camp. I thought it was hee-larry-us! Church Camp, however, was not amused…)

Step #3. Protect your pile.

OK, so maybe you are like me and have said some success with weight loss. Maybe you have been off the wagon a little, but now you are looking at your pile and have the broom back in hand. Don’t be afraid to get a little loud. I seriously think I could make millions if I created a robot that follows you around and yells “Don’t EAT THAT!!!” Today I was driving past several fast food joints. And I pulled into one. Then I talked myself out of it. “Tomorrow starts today” I told myself. No one else is going to protect your pile but you. Other people are going to suggest you eat at calorie laden places. They are going to suggest that you sleep in or skip a workout. They are going to lead you astray. Not intentionally, of course, but they will. You and I need to view everyone we see (including ourselves) as a fat enablers. A fat enabler is someone who doesn’t realize how quickly we can fall back into the old routine of “gorge and sleep.” So you have to guard that pile with your life. So do I. Don’t listen to anyone else’s rationale on what you should or could do. You follow what is working for you. Fight for it, if you have to. But we MUST GUARD THAT PILE.

We need the restorative powers of a Clean Slate Monday, and start things fresh. Unless you are reading this blog with a donut in your hand, you haven’t blown it yet. And today is the day that things can change for us, if we aren’t afraid to work for it. So let’s go out there and start things off right.

(If you are reading this blog with a donut in your hand, put it down!!! You will thank me tomorrow!)

Maybe DIET isn’t such a dirty word after all!